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CONVO - GOOD GRIEF

Good Grief

by Kat de Naoum

I’m going to get all technical up on yo’ asses and shock ya’ll with a cut and paste from Wikipedia on this fine Convo day. (I don’t know why I’m talking with an American accent. I’ll cut it out. Apologies.)

“The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when faced with impending death or death of someone. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.”
And now we are going to bring all this intelligent natter down a notch and use the Kübler-Ross model to describe other grievous occurrences we mere mortals have to deal with more often than we’d like to.

Let’s go.

Dieting
Denial: I’m not hungry. HAHAHA. I’m not. I swear I’m not. I’m not thinking about Mars bars. Nope. Nuh-uh.
Anger: Where the fuck is my party bag of Mars bars?
Bargaining: If I skip breakfast for the rest of the week, I can eat this Mars bar.
Depression: Nobody loves me. Only you, Mars bar. Only you love me.
Acceptance: Me and my Mars bar are very happy together. Fuck you, last year’s jeans.

Breaking Up
Denial: He’s so goofy; he went in to get a marriage licence and came out with a restraining order instead. That silly goofball, love him.
Anger: “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive…”

Bargaining: “Look, maybe I’ve been too harsh. I guess I can turn a blind eye to your cheating if you just love me forever. Please?”
Depression: Nobody loves me. Only you, Mars bar. Only you love me.
Acceptance: “To the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left…”

Bad Haircut
Denial: If I just collect all this hair from the floor, surely I can stick it back on my head, no? I mean, they’ve landed on a comet; surely this hair can go back onto my head for Pete’s sake.”
Anger: “Oh, hairdresser. Can you just pass me those scissors for a sec? I’ll give them back to you, I promise. At 500MPH.”
Bargaining: I can wear a hat for the next six months. It can be my thing. I’ll be the “hat lady”. That sounds cool. Everyone will be jealous of my awesome new style.
Depression: Nobody loves me. Only you, Mars bar. Only you love me.
Acceptance: Look,being bald is not so bad. Look at Amber Rose. She’s hot. I can be the white Amber Rose. Oh hold on, that’s Sinead O’Connor… Fuckballs…

Work
Denial: There are only 5 more days till the weekend. 5 more little days. It’s nothing.
Anger: I’m just going to go up to my boss and spit in his face when I see him. I swear, I will. I will, you just wait… “Oh, hi Greg, yes sure I’ll get your coffee for you.” *Mutters ‘fuck you, Greg’ under breath. Hah. That showed him.*
Bargaining: If I fall down this flight of stairs and break my leg, I’ll get 3 months of paid sick leave and I can just sit in bed and more importantly, not have to go to work. *Hovers dangerously over flight of stairs*
Depression: Nobody loves me. Only you, Mars bar. Only you love me.
Acceptance: “Yes, I’ll stay overtime. No I didn’t have plans. It’s fine.”

Being Single
Denial: I’m single by choice. I can have any guy I want. I just don’t want any guy I’ve ever seen. Ever.
Anger: All men are arseholes.
Bargaining: I guess I could go out with Sleezy Dave from the office who keeps asking me out… He might not be so sleezy once you get to know him…
Depression: Nobody loves me. Only you, Mars bar. Only you love me.
Acceptance: “All the single ladies, all the single ladies, uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh, uh, uh uh uh…”

Waking Up
Denial: Look at that! I’m dreaming that my alarm clock is going off! That’s so funny.
Anger: FUCK YOU, ALARM CLOCK.
Bargaining: If I don’t shower, that will give me 3 more minutes of sleep. No one will be able to tell.
Depression: Nobody loves me. Only you, Mars bar. Only you love me. *Retrieves Mars bar from under pillow*
Acceptance: “Check it baby, get it baby, check it baby, get it, WORK, do it baby, do-do it baby, get it, PUT IT IN, I WANNA SEE YOU WORK…”

Being Broke
Denial: Oh. My. God. I’ve been robbed.
Anger: Why couldn’t you have just married that rich guy that wanted to marry you, mum? Why? Why? What’s love got to do with it?
Bargaining: It’s not embarrassing if I ask my parents for a loan. So what if I’m 32? At least I have the guts to ask when I need help.
Depression: Nobody loves me. Only you, Mars bar. Only you love me. IF I COULD AFFORD YOU.
Acceptance: “No, I can’t come out tonight. Or ever…”

*Xeni Kouveli makes the Convo collages with pics found on Google images – we do not own them (except for the ones we do own).

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